A True Tale with comments by Dick, Gail, Abby Van Buren: Subject: Fecal Contaminant

                                                           Thank You Abby                                                                 

                                                Dick Gail Abby and Fecal Contaminants 

Dear Abby,   

            I have been concerned about glue and my boyfriend, Dick Cave for more than a year. I am an atheist and my boyfriend Dick is a Christian. I don’t mind his family’s view, and I have no problem with religion as long as it isn’t being forced on me. However thinking about a future with Dick, I wouldn’t want his family’s religious beliefs forced on my children; either. I want them to make their own choices when they’re old enough to understand RELIGIONS...

         Dick wants an ideal Christian family, where he raises his children on his term and with his religious views. I don’t feel children should be forced into something from birth. What can we do?  ANY HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED 

                            

          ADDITIONALLY, I learned upon reading the headlines of the “,” the facts as stated by The Salt Lake County Health Department in their Salt Lake City Tribune in scientific words, “Fecal Contaminants Found in the Petrochemical Glue in North Salt Lake City.

          Glue as most everyone knows, is used in most everything. Imagine, for a moment, poop in the glue on envelopes. I now use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I scrub the top of every jar with a wet towel for the same reason.

           I no longer eat KFC for the reason that its chickens are horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

         I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants. Even though I smell like a gazelle after a hot day.

         I no longer drink Coca Cola as it can dissolve a baby tooth within a month.

          I don’t shop at Target since they are French and they don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.

          I don’t use Saran wrap in the microwave because it can cancer.

         I don’t use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider could possibly be lurking under the seat causing my instant demise when it bites my ass.

.         I don’t check the coin return on pay phones, or parking meters because I could be pricked with a needle and get aids.

        I don’t accept packages from UPS or FedEx, because they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

       I take my Rottweiler along to watch the car when I shop so no one will hide in my back seat and rape me after I finish shopping, and I would never ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped near my car in the parking lot, at Macy's Grocery Store, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath ready to grab my leg.

        I hope the president's non-partisan "Quick Oil Plug" passes through Congress as I'm going to buy a car that works if it uses the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

        I’ve stopped answering the land line so as to prevent a dialed number, for which I will get a $990.00 phone bill from calls to Mexico City, Jamaica, Uganda or Singapore. I don’t boil a cup of water in the microwave, because it can blow up and ruin my face.

          Abby send this e-mail attachment to at least a dozen Illegal Mexicans in the next sixty seconds or a large Mormon seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 11:00 PM and the fleas from twelve camels will invest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's who is a FBI informer.

          The “Salt Lake Tribune” article also said, “North Salt Lake City no longer has any money, since the sheriff locked the Glue Refinery door, following the explosion that blew up the twelve houses. But that will change once the city receives the $200,000.00 that Obama promised. See Green Belt Act B S #69. After all, the government can't do anything wrong, can it Abby? 

           If you are not an intended recipient of this email, you are hereby notified that you received this email in error. Kindly contact the sender. If you do use an envelope be sure and use a wet towel to seal it, as I said above the is poop in the glue. 

Thank you, in advance Abby, from the bottom of my heart, for any informative advice you may care to offer.   NOTE: I have enclosed a recipe I got from the butcher at Macys for your readers so that they will no longer need to buy expensive chocolate chip cookies. 

       Sincerely, Gail North Salt Lake City, Utah 

 July 6, 2007

 Dear mind of your own. First of all, a Christian family man isn’t the right choice for an atheist. You can part friends and agree to disagree. If Dicks’ parents an ideal Christian family in which he raises the children on his terms and with his religious beliefs, there will be no compromise. And if you are adamant that your children choose their own beliefs when they’re old enough to understand,then they will be better off if the father you choose for them has similar beliefs. But that isn’t the half of it; 

“Poop” in glue. Good heavens lady, calm down.”  

Abby

DR. KARL WALLACE D.D.S.   

                                                                                                                   

*A COMMENT BY THE AUTHOR: To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine And those who Don't In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed MORE than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria Found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 3 kilos of poop. HOWEVER, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!