Dick
Cave and The Fecal Contaminants
Dear Abby,
I have been concerned about glue and my boyfriend
Dick Cave for more than a year. I am an atheist and my boyfriend Dick Cave is a
Christian. I don’t mind his family’s view, and I have no problem with religion
as long as it isn’t being forced on me. However thinking about a future with Dick,
I wouldn’t want his family’s religious beliefs forced on my children; either I
want them to make their own choices when they’re old enough to understand.
Dick wants an ideal Christian family, where
he raises his children on his term and with his religious views. I don’t feel
children should be forced into something from birth. What can we do?
I
also learned some time ago upon reading the headlines of the “Salt Lake City
Tribune,” the facts as stated by The Salt Lake County Health Department in
their very scientific words, “Fecal Contaminants Found in the Petrochemical
Glue in North Salt Lake City.
Glue, as most everyone knows, is used in most
everything. Imagine, for a moment, poop in the glue on envelopes. I now use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
I scrub the top of every jar with a wet towel for
the same reason.I no longer eat KFC for the reason that its chickens are horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer
use cancer-causing deodorants. Even though I smell like a gazelle after a hot
day.
I no longer drink Coca Cola as it can dissolve
a tooth within a month.
I don’t shop at Target since they are French
and they don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.
I don’t use
Saran wrap in the microwave because it can cancer. I don’t use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider could possibly be lurking under the seat causing my instant demise when it bites my ass.
I don’t check the coin return on pay phones, or parking meters because I could be pricked with a needle and get aids.
I don’t accept packages from UPS or FedEx,
because they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I take
my Rottweiler along to watch the car when I shop so no one will hide in my back
seat and rape me after I finish shopping, and I would never ever pick up a
$5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I no longer
drive, and won't, not until the president's non-partisan "Quick Oil
Plug" passes through Congress. I'm going to wait for a car manufacturer to
make a car that runs on water, but only works if it uses the water from the
Gulf of Mexico.
Additionally,
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Macy's Grocery Store since I now have
their recipe. I’ve stopped answering the land line as to prevent a dialed
number, for which I will get a $990.00 phone bill from calls to Mexico City,
Jamaica, Uganda or Singapore. I don’t boil a cup of water in the microwave,
because it can blow up and ruin my face.Send this e-mail attachment to at least a dozen Illegal Mexicans in the next sixty seconds or a large Mormon seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 8:00 PM and the fleas from twelve camels will invest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's third husband who is a FBI informer.
The “Salt
Lake Tribune” article also said, “North Salt Lake City no longer has any money,
since the sheriff locked the Glue Refinery door, following the explosion that
blew up those twelve houses. But that will change once the city receives the
$200,000.00 that Obama promised. See Green Belt Act B S #69. After all, the
government can't do anything wrong, can it?
If you are not an intended
recipient of this email, you are hereby notified that you received this email
in error. Kindly contact the sender. If you do use an envelope be sure and use
a wet towel to seal it, as I said above poop in the glue.
Thank you, in advance Abigail, from
the bottom of my heart, for any informative advice you may care to offer.
Sincerely, Gail North Salt Lake
City, Utah
July 6, Dear mind of your
own. A Christian family man isn’t the right choice for an atheist. You can part
friends and agree to disagree. If Randy’s parents an ideal Christian family in
which he raises his children “on his terms and with his religious beliefs”
there will be no compromise. And if you are adamant that your children choose
their own beliefs when they’re old enough to understand you-and they- will be
better off if the father you choose for them has similar beliefs.
“Poop” in glue. Good heavens lady,
calm down.”
Abby
DR. KARL WALLACE D.D.S.
