Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?
When I was
single, foot loose and fancy free in the good old days of 1979, I owned a dream
house condo located in the South Ogden, Utah Ironwood Condominiums. It had
everything under the sun in it that you could imagine, a wet bar, home theater,
seamless thick carpet dyed at the factory, carpeting in the garage, solid oak
doors throughout, a safe behind a picture. It was all there, all of it
designed, produced build by Eddie O’Brian owner of Crown Water Beds in
Riverdale and Salt Lake City. I bought the layout from Eddie year after he
finished it off and got married.
I made plans for
a quiet fun filled Labor Day in a private atmosphere with a 800 gallon circular
tub with a bar in middle, to a comfy 101 degrees, chocolates, streamers, stereo
music, flowers.
Everything was
ready.
A full three
weeks before I had a bright idea. I would buy a blow up doll a gift for Jan. I
subsequently went down to the Adult book store on 12th and Wall Avenue around
midnight. I was afraid someone might recognize my car so I parked my car a half
block down the street. Weber County is so small everyone knows what everyone
else is doing. Coming out of the dark shadows, I opened the door and walked in.
I wore a heavy coat with the collar up and a hat covering half my face. As I
stepped in a bell rang and I turned my back to Jake who was standing behind the
checkout counter, and began looking at the magazines. Jake asked me if he could
be of help. I was the only customer in the store thank goodness.
I answered with
what I thought would be a normal question.
“Do you have any
Playboy calendars?” He said,
"No, not
this time of year." I then asked him for what I had come in for in the
first place,
“Do you have any
blow up dolls?”
He pointed me in
the general direction of the back room which was full of all kinds of stuff,
quite an education if you haven’t been in an adult book store. After browsing
around for a full hour, I finally stumbled on to an inflatable man about normal
size that I could substitute as a passenger in my car when driving in the car
pool lane. It was a blow up doll that looked human if you use a huge heap of
your imagination. I paid 24.95 including a G string.
Labor Day
morning, I used the air compressor to fill the doll with air and at the same
time I named him Jack Armstrong the All American Boy. Jack came to life with a
pliant body, muscular legs, and big chest muscles. I stood him against the fire
place, and sat back to relax. This will make Jan giggle, I told myself.
But lo' and
behold, my mother and dad showed up. Jack was standing in plain sight of the
entry way. Dad noticed Jack the moment he stepped in the door.
“What the Hell is
that?” he demanded. I quickly tried to explain,
“It’s a doll.”
But my humor doesn’t coincide with my dad’s.
“Who would play
with something like that?” I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
“Where are his
clothes?”
“Boy, that turkey
sure smells nice, Dad,” I said, trying to steer him into the kitchen dining
room. But Dad was relentless.
“Why doesn’t he
have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but it was Labor Day and I
didn't want to shock him by saying what I was thinking. then maybe have to be
kneeling over him saying,
“Hang on, Dad,
Hang on!”
My mother, where
age has laid its hand wanes feebly with poor eyesight, sided up to me and
asked,
"Who’s the
naked man by the fireplace?” I said,
“It's Jan’s
friend.”
A few minutes
later I noticed Mom by the mantel talking to Jack. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that I realized this might be Mom’s last Labor
Day at my place.
Just then, Jan
stepped in the door saving the day. Lunch went well. We made the usual small
talk about who had died, who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly
Jack made a bang that sounded a like a canon. He lurched from the G string,
flew smoking around the living room three times to the right and fell in a heap
on the front room French Imported Gaeta couch, dead.
Jan screamed. I
passed chocolate sauce through my nose and Mom ran across the room, fell to her
knees with a heavy heart crying eyes and began administering mouth to mouth.
Dad threw down his napkin, stomped out of the house, over to the visitors
parking, sat in his car and started intermittently honking the horn for mom to
leave.
It was indeed a
day to remember. Later, in the garage Jan and I conducted a thorough
examination to find the cause of Jack’s collapse. We discovered that Jack had
suffered from a hot ember to his left buttocks. We restored him to health using
masking tape.
Jack went on to
star in several Tupperware parties, and Mom often calls me about Jack.
*Ten months after the occurrence related above...Somehow,
Love, a social media website, was asking people to vote on their virtual web
site as to whether they thought Mom and Jack should get back together, and if
you can believe it they also sell bumper stickers that say:
Jack and Mom Are MAD 4 U.
Dr. KARL WALLACE D.D.S
