Valentines * Is it hopeless for us men?

****                           Valentines *************

    OK,'Taws the night before Valentine's Day and all through the house, not a creature was stirring. Well, except for Karl who's up late writing another newsletter for you? And since I basically defiled a cherished Christmas poem to begin with, it’s probably worth mentioning that technically it's the night BEFORE the night before Valentine's Day for me. Whatever.

    So, I have been thinking a lot about Valentine's Day lately. And I've been talking about it with friends as well. As I was reading some of my Hello email, I noticed that there was not one, not two, but THREE different ads inside of EVERY email viewer window selling FLOWERS for Valentine's Day. You gotta love AOL-'s way of sneaking those ads into every one of your emails, huh? ANYWAY, as I was realizing what BIG BUSINESS Valentine's Day must be, I started wondering, where the heck did Valentine's Day come from? So, I decided to do a little research. Well, as it turns out, there are several different stories about the origin of Valentine's Day, but one of them is by far the most common. Wanna hear it? Here it goes. So, back in about the year 270 A.D. or so, there was a priest named, you guessed it, Valentine. Some versions of the story said that he was a Bishop. Either way in those days the Emperor needed men for his army and he decided that it wasn't good to have men marrying up with women, because then the men would be more attached to their families than the army. So, the Emperor OUTLAWED marriage. Yep, he said, “It’s illegal to get married”. Those were the days, huh? OK, so Priest or Bishop Valentine decided that he was going to help young lovers out by marrying them in SECRET. Well, the Emperor got wind of this business, and put a stop to it in a "New York Minute". So, here’s Priest/Bishop Valentine sitting alone in prison and who comes along? The super-babe, young daughter of the jail owner's daughter and, of course, he falls in love with her. One version of the story I read said, that she was blind and he healed her of her blindness.

    In any event, right before his execution yeah, they killed him for performing marriages); he wrote a letter to this girl he was in love with and at the end signed it "From Your Valentine". And then he was executed. okay. Fast forward several centuries and now everyone is out buying heart-shaped cards, chocolate, and long-stemmed red roses for women who have come to expect them. Gotta love it! Aside from me wanting to know what the HECK a Catholic Priest was doing falling in love with a youngster way back in the year 270 (Over 1,700 years before this kind of thing was fashionable),I want to know how this turned into men chasing around with gifts for women in the year 2014! I get it, I get it. It's nice to have a day out of the year to celebrate your love for that special someone in your life. Very cute. And if you're reading this right now and your ‘remarried or you've had a girlfriend for a year or two, then by all means get her some flowers and chocolate and one of those cute pink cards.

    But what about the REST of us? Well, here’s a little gem of wisdom from one of my all-time favorite books, "The Rules". Yeah women, the book that teaches women how to manipulate men into marrying them. Here's it is: RULE 1 Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day." Nope, I'm not kidding. By the way, a whole CHAPTER is dedicated to this rule in the book. In the chapter, it basically says that if a man doesn’t buy you jewelry (or some other romantic gift) for one of these holidays, then you should dump him, because he's not going to buy you the “big gift" of an engagement ring. Now, before I present my radical extremist opposing perspective, I must first give you the disclaimer. I think that long-term relationships are great, and if you're one of the lucky guys on this planet who has found a really exceptional woman, then more power to you, and I hope she likes the romantic gifts that you got her. Really, but for all the rest of us single guys (or guys who have just started dating a woman); I think that Valentine's Day can be kind of a drag. Why?

     Because there's another, more "subtle" message that this whole event communicates: The way to win a woman's heart is to buy her flowers, gifts, and jewelry, and to confess your feelings for her. And if she still doesn't like you, then you probably didn't get her enough gifts, or say the right things in the card. While this idea of giving romantic gifts to show your love might Be wonderful and healthy for LONGER-TERM relationships, it’s usually a HORRIBLE concept for guys to use with women that they have just met, or who they've only dated a few times.

     Valentine’s Day is one day away. It has come to my attention that a lot of you guys have no idea what to get your beloved. Duh. All right, I’ll help, but first can we just state the obvious? You should have come to me weeks ago. Now you’re this close to buying drugstore candy and pretending that was your plan all along, which is never going to fly with any women over the age of 8. You already know this, I’m sure, so I’ll resist pointing out how often you guys rely on women to rescue you. Whoops, there I go, pointing it out. OOh well, Onward Cowards.

    Let’s start with the question my male friends constantly ask: “What do women Want?” This is like asking, “What size shoe do women wear?” They’re not SMURFS. There are as many answers to that question as there are women waiting for men to stop interrupting them. Speaking of which, I have some good news: Your best Valentine’s gift may cost you NOTHING. In an unscientific study, conducted with strangers I met in the cereal aisle at Wal-Mart, I found that a lot of women would just like a little quiet—from men. To be specific apparently, guys talk when they should be listening. Not you, of course, but definitely someone you know. Let’s pretend it’s you just to illustrate. Say your girlfriend starts to vent about a friend’s snide comment about her neck, BONUS TIP: After a certain age, women hate that their necks have more rings than a giant oak. NEVER MENTION THIS. Instead of nodding sympathetically as she rants, you—again hypothetically—come up with a 10-point plan to fix a whole part of her life that isn’t broken. Then you get angry when she has the nerve not to thank you. DON’T DO THAT.

    For one whole day—let’s make Valentine’s Day work for you;-just act like a bobble head. You might even say, “Wow! How did that make you feel?” Wait until she’s sitting down before you do this. Fan her with a place mat, if necessary. Also, consider this wish, shared with me by women named Barbara: “I wanted to have a nice dinner with my hubby on Valentine’s Day. Then I wanted to come home and watch a chick flick with him. I also wanted to have his mouth duct-taped shut so he couldn’t add commentary to the movie. I think we’re seeing a theme here: Shhhh…Another women’s Valentines wish. There are women who think love is spelled t–o-a-s-t-e-r. Ester wants a particular brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day. For weeks she’s been putting pictures of it round her house. Finally, her husband threw his hands in the air and said,

     “Esther, I don’t care how many hints you give me, I’m not vacuuming.”

     See, you’re not alone if you’re clueless. Granted, women aren’t easy to decipher. They claim they don’t want anything when they do. They say they are on a diet and you think they mean even on Feb. 14^th, and they don't. They insist that V.D.Valentines Day is a commercial mockery of true love, and then they wonder why you won’t fork over 20 bucks for a box of candy, shaped like nobody’s heart. No wonder you don’t know what to do for VDday?

Best Bet: Try sending her flowers. Write “LOVE” on the card. Compliment her neck.

      Looking for Ms. Right online. In honor of Valentine’s Day I devote this review to new television about love, or more specifically to new TV about how people get together in our crazy frenetic, high-tech, isolating, fat-fearing world. As I have succinctly explained before,an absorbing fact about Internet dating,...women are terrified of meeting serial killers online. Men are terrified of meeting women of above-average weight. Network television is, of course as averse to physical imperfection in women as a high rolling bond trader scouring happy hour. 

       Mike and Molly are a good example of an obsessed couple who are fighting the good fight against chocolate frosting every day. A rare exception to a relentless advocating for size 2. But as if to repeal that act of political correctness and remind us that after all, Charlie Sheen’s employer, an average guy who dumps his perfectly attractive girlfriend for a hotter one in a tighter dress.

      Then there’s Ben Biggs, who meets his upgrade, Kate Chalk, on top of the Empire State Building and then pursues her without first going through the tried and true protocol of breaking up with the incumbent.

     This would be entirely inoffensive if Ben were meant to be remotely rakish. But instead he is a soulful searcher of low-grade mind meld. I say low-grade because he isn’t looking for someone who shares an interest in Civil War Diaries and Leviticus, but rather someone who could sit down with a bag of Doritos and imagine a fight between Wonder Woman and Superman. The kind of companion Ben really wants is an 11 year old boy with breast implants. As it is, he’s continually flanked by a Zach Galifianakisis his best friend whose contentious banter MEANS another SCHLUB is destined to be dating way above his pay grade.

To be continued...

DR.KARL WALLACE D.D.S.…

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