Thanksgiving is Thursday November 28th and
there's no avoiding it
The 25 Rules
of Thanksgiving Touch Football
Make the drive, eat the turkey, pass the
cranberry goo, and try not to say something you regret. If you can survive
until dessert without crying at the table or sticking a fork in someone's arm,
you're home free—just inhale the pecan pie, hit the couch, and pass out
watching the NFL. The rules of touch football could have saved the
"Wedding Crashers" from a great deal of pain. But for the love of Lombardi,
go outside and play some Thanksgiving touch football. It's a perfect
opportunity for family bonding, or at least calorie-burning. Unless you're in a
fraternity or live inside a Tommy Hilfiger commercial, you probably play touch
football only once a year, and Thanksgiving is that day.
Here below are the official rules of
Thanksgiving Family Touch Football
1. The game must be played
before dinner. Nobody wants to play football after Thanksgiving.
2. If you have a healthy
relationship with your family and speak to them all the time, you're playing
touch. If you see your family only once a year, it's tackle.
3. Its two-hand touch. One-hand
touch is for lazy people who buy turkey sandwiches out of vending machines.
4. Two completions is a first
down. Not as simple as it sounds—just ask the 2012 Indianapolis Colts.
5. All family on the field!
Everyone plays. Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Cousin Jake, and Regis the one-eyed
Jack Russell terrier. Don't laugh. Regis is the best receiver you've got.
6. There are only two plays you
need for touch football: "Everybody Go Out" and "Everybody Go
Deep."
7. Don't kill the momentum,
three-minute halftime. Anything longer and aging muscles seize up. Remember: if
Daddy sits, Daddy is d-o-n-e.
8. The count is hurry-hurry
three times it's a full two syllables—not a rushed “hurry-hurry” and knocking
grandpa to the ground.
9. Punting is okay, but it's
hard. You know that weird fact about how hippopotamuses kill more people than
lions or tigers? Well, punts are the hippopotamuses of touch football. Botched
punts break more windows and hit more cars than any other play in the game. You
can look it up. Be careful.
10. Find a nice patch of grass.
It doesn't have to be big. You don't need a regulation 100 yards. Half the
people in your family, if they ran 100 yards, would wind up in the hospital.
11. The following things are
prohibited from Thanksgiving touch football: spikes, eye black, sticky gloves,
Jets jerseys, running with a martini glass and a lit cigar.
12. A Nerf ball is okay but you should own a leather
football. A leather football is one of the things every home must have, like a
dishwasher and a bourbon distillery in the garage.
13. No taunting, cursing or
back-handed compliments. That's what Thanksgiving dinner is for.
14. Unless you live in
California, Hawaii or Florida or some fancy place like that, the ground is
probably going to be squishy with cold mud, and someone in your family is going
to fall down face-first and ruin his or her Thanksgiving outfit. This is not
cause for alarm. This is the highlight of the game.
15. It’s okay to play with kids
but don't baby them. Just because your 7-year-old niece is playing quarterback
doesn't mean you can't intercept her screen pass and run it back for a
touchdown. She's got to learn sometime not to throw into triple coverage.
16. But if you are old enough
to have grandchildren, and you sack the quarterback, and does an elaborate sack
dance, you will be worshipped for over a year.
17. Keep the Tebowing to a minimum,
the fad is already old, and keep your elbowing to a minimum.
18. No show-off football lingo.
No screaming "trips left" or "zone blitz." Uncle Wally
doesn't want to play the "nickel package." He wants to get this
stupid game over with, have vodka and stand in the kitchen eating stuffing.
19. There's always one control freak
who wants to diagram elaborate plays. Just listen to whatever they say, and
forget it immediately.
20. Don't throw the ball too
hard. This is the mistake a lot of touch football QBs make. They see an
opening, and they chuck it 99 mph like John Elway, and peg Aunt Faye in the
neck.
21. A little pass interference
never hurt anyone. Don't be a wimp.
22. If you're a random guest at
Thanksgiving, it's your job to be good at touch football. Lie and say you
"played a little" at Alabama and pray you don't completely embarrass
yourself.
23. If you find yourself
surrounded by middle-aged men in blue jeans and a quarterback who keeps getting
picked off, you're not with your family. You've accidentally walked into a
Brett Favre Wrangler spot.
24. Goes without saying, but if
it snows, it's a classic.
25. Take it easy. You don't
want any injuries that can't be treated with a bag of frozen peas.
26. If you win your game and
stand undefeated, please let UCLA know you're available to play in the BCS
championship.
When you think about it, there's really only one rule for Thanksgiving
touch football: Take your shoes off before going in the house.
DR. KARL WALLACE D.D.S.
To read more to: karlwallaceblog.blogspot.com
