Sister Cities
You know your
town has an image problem when even your bicyclists are armed and dangerous.
Bicyclists, if there’s a less-threatening label out there, I’m all ears;
“Florist” maybe? Or “volunteer librarian”?
Why, the very word “bicyclist” brings to mind peace loving,
latte-drinking liberals who would no more kick a puppy than needlessly burn
fossil fuels.
Still, a
couple of days ago, when the story “So. Ogden police scuffle with armed
bicyclist” appeared on the Standard-Examiner’s website, I was pretty sure
things couldn’t get any worse. This is South Ogden we’re talking about, not some
inner-city neighborhood. Basically, it’s a suburb of Ogden. You’ve definitely
got troubles when your bicyclists pedaling around the “burbs are packing heat.
This might explain why the folks in West Valley City don’t particularly
appreciate being compared to the Ogden area.
In last week’s
column responding to those whose image of Junction City is place filled with
crime, I wrote: “You must have us confused with West Valley City.”
Reaction was
swift. The very next day, I received an email from West Valley City manager T.
W. Pie, who playfully but firmly expounded on his city’s fair reputation.
“I
respectfully request an apology,” he wrote adding that “of all other cities in
the State, you Gus should know better. My wife owns a place in Ogden Valley and
they often pass through the valley’s namesake on their way to and fro. Not only
that he pointed out that he has a sibling who owns a business in Ogden. And to
you cynics who immediately guessed “Meth lab?” I say: Shame on you go stand in
the corner. Then Mr. T. H. Pie came to the point:
“I go out of
my way to defend Ogden’s honor as well as ours whenever I get the chance. We
feel kind of a kinship. How about some reciprocation?” And just in case the carrot wasn’t working he
followed it up with the stick:
“For the
record West Valley's crime rate according to FBI stats is lower than Ogden’s.”
“Message
received T. W. Pie Jr. You’re right, we
ought to be-maligned cities working together not argue among ourselves as to
which of us is likely to be mistaken for Provo.
So I wrote
back to Mr. Pie and offered a sincere, heartfelt apology. Furthermore, I
explained that I would have delivered this apology in person, but I work an 8
to 5 shift, so I couldn’t possibly get down there until after dark, and well, frankly,
we all know that isn't going to happen.”
So then he wrote
back to me with an intriguing suggesting: Maybe a column on Ogden and WVC as
sister cities or arm-in-arm versus the hoity-totty of the world?
And that ladies
and gentlemen is why T. W. Pie Jr.is city manager of the second largest
municipality in Utah, while I’m still stuck as a second rate newspaper reporter
writing third rate columns. His Sister Cities idea is in a word nothing short
of brilliant! So here’s what I say. I say we kick Hof, Germany to the curb and
take up with fellow tough-guy town. West
Valley City, think about it. Guys in mullets and beer stained undershirts
who’ve already appeared in several episodes of “Cops” are a lot more
intimidating than yodeling dudes in Lederhosen. Why together Ogden and West
Valley could rule the state. No more symbolically getting stuffed in our lockers
by the popular kids of Salt Lake and Park City. No more having to apologize for
our blue-collar roots. No more Mr. Nice Town. You ask how we make that happen
like, right now. Relax everybody; I’m way ahead of you. I’ve already approached
T. W. Pie Jr., about this very thing—an official Sister City affiliation
complete with regular cultural exchanges between our two populations and I
expect a formal response any day now.
What exactly
would a Sister City relationship between O-town and WVC mean? Well for starters
Mr. Pie and his city would host an annual Ogden Festival Days (transient relay races,
bar-hopping contests, while every year we here in Ogden could celebrate “West
Valley Appreciation Week” (cars-on –blocks auto show, tramp stamp art exhibit).
Above all else being Sister Cities would
mean somebody’s got our back. Mess with me mess with my sister. Who’s foolish
enough to want a piece of that Mr. pie? Supposing that doesn’t put the fear of
the almighty in them? Don’t make me call one of our bicyclists. Hey West Warren
residents Sister City is taken, but wanna be our Stepsister City?
DR. KARL WALLACE
D.D.S.
To read more Dr.
Wallace go to: www.karlwallaceblog.blogspot.com
