Thanks, Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby,
I learned this today upon reading in the headlines of the “Salt Lake City Tribune,” The facts as stated were written by
The Salt Lake County Health Department in their very scientific words fecal contaminants found in the “Petrochemical Glue."
Glue as you know is used in almost everything. Imagine for a moment, if you will, poop in the glue on envelopes. I now use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I scrub the top of every jar I open for the same reason.
I no longer eat KFC for the reason that its chickens are horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no
longer use cancer-causing deodorants. Even though I smell like a gazelle on a hot day.
I no longer drink Coca Cola as it can not dissolve a baby tooth within a month, nor dare I drink Pepsi since the people who make this product are Atheists. They refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I don’t shop at Target since they are French and they don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.
I don’t use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I don’t use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider could possibly be lurking under the seat causing my instant demise when it bites my ass. I don’t boil a cup of water in the microwave, because it can blow up and ruin my face.
I now don’t check the coin return on pay phones, or parking meters because I could be pricked with a needle and get aids. I don’t accept packages from UPS or FedEx, because they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I’ve stopped answering the land line as to prevent a dialed number, for which I will get a $990.00 phone bill from calls to Mexico City, Jamaica, Uganda or Singapore.
I take my Rottweiler along to watch the car when I shop so no one will hide in my back seat and rape me after I finish shopping, and I would never ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I no longer drive, and won't, not until the president's non-partisan "Quick Oil Plug" passes through Congress. I'm going to wait for a car manufacturer to make a car that runs on water, but only works if it uses the water from the Gulf of Mexico.
Send this e-mail attachment to at least a dozen Illegal Mexicans in the next sixty seconds or a large Mormon seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 8:00 PM and the fleas from twelve camels will invest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's third husband's cousin who is a FBI supervisor.
The “Salt Lake Tribune” article also said, “North Salt Lake City no longer has any money, since the sheriff locked the Glue Refinery door, following the explosion that blew up those twelve houses. But that will change once the city receives the $200,000.00 that Obama promised. See Green Belt Act B S #69. After all, the government can't do anything wrong, can it?
If you are not an intended recipient of this email, you are hereby notified that you received this email in error. Kindly contact the sender. If you do use an envelope be sure and use a wet towel to seal it, as there may be poop in the glue.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Macy's Grocery Store since I now have their recipe.
Thank you, Abigail Van Buren, from the bottom of my heart, for any of your informative advice you may care to offer.
Gail in North Salt Lake City, Utah
July 6, “Poop” in our glue. Good heavens lady, calm down. Abby
KARL WALLACE
To read more of Karl’s stories go to: karlwallaceblog.blogspot.com Please, Positive comments only: drkarlwallace@gmail.com
