Janice Harris janice1971dg@hotmail.com
Karl but I'm afraid I am past that point. honestly, I have no desire to die. None at all. I was just getting to where I thought I could actually have a life and be happy. Then the SO ( in California with his mommies ) decided to stop paying the bills he promised he would when he walked out in March .Karl , I gave my word in my vows , I felt obligated to honor my word regardless of how bad things got . As I acquired more animals (I needed something to love me!) it became difficult to leave. The animals needed care that I could not afford on my own. Like a child. I was up to 6 a few years ago, and still have 6. By then he'd torn me down so much emotionally and psychologically that my life meant nothing. There is no doubt that I have stayed clinically depressed for over 17 years now. I don't do meds of any kind. I've just dealt with it. No, evidently I haven't dealt with it very well. But I am strong enough to. By mid-August, the animals and I had started to settle down and I was actually looking forward to a half assed future. I thought maybe now I would have a chance to find someone who would love me. My SO is an only child, he comes from money, and he’s been an alcoholic since he was 14 but learned to hide it from his social set parents, who did not have time to pay attention to him. I have recently (don’t you just love retrospect?) discovered that he's lied about me to his family from the day we remarried back in ‘91. He was a functioning alcoholic and never missed a day’s work. Unfortunately he never had chores to do as a child and he was never punished. I grew up hard and every day was a struggle. My childhood was not a good one. My father was a pedophile. I thought remarrying (Tom) would be the best thing for me. Anyway, it's a long ugly story and I am where I am from the choices I made. I accept that. I'd have made better choices if he had been honesty with me from the start, but he did not. IF he is talking, he is lying. I learned to late that he does not keep his word. Mid Sept. he decided he couldn't wait for his mother to die so he would inherit. All of his money is spent on online investing. He is not good at that but when he's drunk, he thinks he is. So he quit making my truck payment and the house payment. My SS does not come anyway near being able to cover the basics; much less carry the full financial load. He does not care that the animals and I will be on the street. No transportation and no way to take care of myself or them. You must know that at times death is preferable to the alternative. I would not be living. I would barely exist. I could under no circumstances deal with the guilt of having to have my animals put down because I could not care for them. They have been my only reason for living for to many years.I is the middle of 5 daughters that my parents had together. I'm a fighter. I have never been a victim. I have always been a survivor. I will fight for what is right. I will not tolerate abuse of any living thing. I'm 5'3" and will not hesitate to get in any man’s face if that is what it takes. I have been abused my entire life and won't allow anyone or anything to be mistreated if I can help it. I wear personal scars from abuse I've gotten into the middle of. I will never hesitate. I have helped a number of people over the years in many ways. Most just wanted a hand out but a couple of them really just needed a hand up and are now doing well. It makes it worth it if you can help just one person. I have become more and more emphatic over the years which surprise me. I'm tough and maybe considered a little hard. My life has been tough so I've had to be. It's OK. I've managed .Tom leaving was the best thing for both of us. There had been no love from the beginning. He gave his word he would take care of things but time and distance have changed his mind. He actually left because he refused to do anything around our home or property. He felt that since he was retied (in Feb this year) that he should be able to spend ALL of his time drinking beer and playing on his lap top. UH, NO. That would not work for me .I developed what is supposed to be arthritis, in both feet. I deal with nerve damage in my feet also. I have never been sick a day in my life until I remarried Tom. I really had no idea how much physical damage stress can do. The worse our relationship got, the worse my feet got. (You need them to do pretty much everything yam know) I reached a point prior to his leaving, where I could barely walk at all. The pain was excruciating and keeps getting worse. I cried constantly from the pain and he'd just look at me and walk away. I prayed for death on a daily basis but could not stand the thought that my animals would have no one to care for them. I could not do it then..Then, like I said earlier, in August; I was having almost no pain at all! I can't tell you how thrilled I was. Because of the pain I have worn nothing but tennis shoes for the last 12 years. That means I could no longer dress up and feel good about myself. I went out and bought myself a new pair of tall leather winter boots. I bought a pair of tights and worn a long sweater over them. I bathed, washed my hair and put on makeup. I felt better than I can remember feeling in many, many years Karl. I felt worthwhile I guess you might say. I had always dressed nice and looked good in clothes. (I use to be very vain about my looks because I knew I looked good.)I use to be full of laughter and joy. Use to. Haven't in a long time. I had resolved myself to the no life I was living .When Tom informed me last month that he would no longer pay anything; I was left with just one choice. As much as I want to live and have a happy life, I cannot that at the expense of my animals. I have never in my life had anyone other than myself that I could depend on. Never. My animals will always be able to depend on me. Regardless of the cost. The choice I have made is not a plea for help. I called all of my sisters yesterday and explained to them what I was going to do. I'm very blunt Karl and my sisters know that. I don't mince words and speak plainly. Didn't want anyone popping up later saying they didn't know. None are in a position to help me or they would. I just needed them to know that I loved them and they should feel no guilt over my actions .Last winter , I finally got the 5 burner gas stove I've wanted for 30 years now . I use to love to cook and have cookouts. Wives of drunks seldom have company unless food and booze are offered. (It passed for a life)Now I will be putting that like new gas range to work. It puts out a lot of gas. I do not care for the word suicide. It implies that no thought has gone into the act itself. People also assume that you were not in your right mind when you did it. Not that it will matter, but I resent that. I'm a very intelligent woman and have given this a great deal of thought. I have desperately looked for an alternative. My oldest sister, in Athens, Ale, has said I could move up there to be closer to her. She is 70 and dying from breast cancer. Her SO is also in very poor physical condition. I could not live with them with my 6 animals but could probably rent a cheap trailer not far from them .It would be impossible to take all of the nice things I've collected over the years. (I compensated my lack of a relationship with shopping ...cheap shopping because I TEND TO BE A LITTLE CHEAP I GUESS ...I LIKE A BARGIN ok?) Sorry, font's messing up again .I couldn't afford to take everything anyway. The thought of packing what I can keep and take, combined with transporting 4 cat's and 2 large dog's in my truck, for a trip that will take at least 3 days, is daunting to say the least . It kind of makes the gas solution look good. (Yes, I plan on having all of my animals inside with me when the gas goes on. They would be impossible to place and would be euthanized so it would be better if they went with someone who at least loved them very much.) If it were not for my animals Karl, I would not be choosing this course of action. Believe me. I've fought so hard to get where I am. And where am I? I'm 64 and tired of fighting. It has done me no good so far. I truly can see no future for me. We all have choices. Under the circumstances, I see no other choice for me. I will not let my animals down and I will never desert them. I know what that is like and won't do it to them. You've read it and now have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with currently .I do not require nor do I look for pity. The choices I made put me where I am. I have always earned my own way and will except nothing from anyone. These are my problems and only I should deal with them. There is much more to the situation than I have shared with you. It is of no matter. Shit happens. I just know that I cannot live under the daily stress of not knowing if my truck will be in the driveway when I get up in the mornings and worrying about a foreclosure notice. That is the stress that has torn me down so completely. I just can't do it anymore. I have been a good woman but it has done me no good. I don't cheat, lie or steal. I was faithful because I gave my word. I have lived without love or attention for almost 20 years now. I allowed him to take my life. I have nothing now and no reason to go on. I will NOT be put on the street with my animals. I much prefer death. No drama here. Just the facts. Now, do you understand why I suggested you find a nice woman with no baggage? Karl , for the hell of it and because I never tell anyone, I have an IQ of 143 . What good has it done me ? I was always looking for the love I never had so never got a chance to be anything myself . Now my life has been completely wasted . Do not pity me . My choices are mine to make.Uh , hope your day goes well.. It will be OK Karl . Shit happens
Karl but I'm afraid I am past that point. honestly, I have no desire to die. None at all. I was just getting to where I thought I could actually have a life and be happy. Then the SO ( in California with his mommies ) decided to stop paying the bills he promised he would when he walked out in March .Karl , I gave my word in my vows , I felt obligated to honor my word regardless of how bad things got . As I acquired more animals (I needed something to love me!) it became difficult to leave. The animals needed care that I could not afford on my own. Like a child. I was up to 6 a few years ago, and still have 6. By then he'd torn me down so much emotionally and psychologically that my life meant nothing. There is no doubt that I have stayed clinically depressed for over 17 years now. I don't do meds of any kind. I've just dealt with it. No, evidently I haven't dealt with it very well. But I am strong enough to. By mid-August, the animals and I had started to settle down and I was actually looking forward to a half assed future. I thought maybe now I would have a chance to find someone who would love me. My SO is an only child, he comes from money, and he’s been an alcoholic since he was 14 but learned to hide it from his social set parents, who did not have time to pay attention to him. I have recently (don’t you just love retrospect?) discovered that he's lied about me to his family from the day we remarried back in ‘91. He was a functioning alcoholic and never missed a day’s work. Unfortunately he never had chores to do as a child and he was never punished. I grew up hard and every day was a struggle. My childhood was not a good one. My father was a pedophile. I thought remarrying (Tom) would be the best thing for me. Anyway, it's a long ugly story and I am where I am from the choices I made. I accept that. I'd have made better choices if he had been honesty with me from the start, but he did not. IF he is talking, he is lying. I learned to late that he does not keep his word. Mid Sept. he decided he couldn't wait for his mother to die so he would inherit. All of his money is spent on online investing. He is not good at that but when he's drunk, he thinks he is. So he quit making my truck payment and the house payment. My SS does not come anyway near being able to cover the basics; much less carry the full financial load. He does not care that the animals and I will be on the street. No transportation and no way to take care of myself or them. You must know that at times death is preferable to the alternative. I would not be living. I would barely exist. I could under no circumstances deal with the guilt of having to have my animals put down because I could not care for them. They have been my only reason for living for to many years.I is the middle of 5 daughters that my parents had together. I'm a fighter. I have never been a victim. I have always been a survivor. I will fight for what is right. I will not tolerate abuse of any living thing. I'm 5'3" and will not hesitate to get in any man’s face if that is what it takes. I have been abused my entire life and won't allow anyone or anything to be mistreated if I can help it. I wear personal scars from abuse I've gotten into the middle of. I will never hesitate. I have helped a number of people over the years in many ways. Most just wanted a hand out but a couple of them really just needed a hand up and are now doing well. It makes it worth it if you can help just one person. I have become more and more emphatic over the years which surprise me. I'm tough and maybe considered a little hard. My life has been tough so I've had to be. It's OK. I've managed .Tom leaving was the best thing for both of us. There had been no love from the beginning. He gave his word he would take care of things but time and distance have changed his mind. He actually left because he refused to do anything around our home or property. He felt that since he was retied (in Feb this year) that he should be able to spend ALL of his time drinking beer and playing on his lap top. UH, NO. That would not work for me .I developed what is supposed to be arthritis, in both feet. I deal with nerve damage in my feet also. I have never been sick a day in my life until I remarried Tom. I really had no idea how much physical damage stress can do. The worse our relationship got, the worse my feet got. (You need them to do pretty much everything yam know) I reached a point prior to his leaving, where I could barely walk at all. The pain was excruciating and keeps getting worse. I cried constantly from the pain and he'd just look at me and walk away. I prayed for death on a daily basis but could not stand the thought that my animals would have no one to care for them. I could not do it then..Then, like I said earlier, in August; I was having almost no pain at all! I can't tell you how thrilled I was. Because of the pain I have worn nothing but tennis shoes for the last 12 years. That means I could no longer dress up and feel good about myself. I went out and bought myself a new pair of tall leather winter boots. I bought a pair of tights and worn a long sweater over them. I bathed, washed my hair and put on makeup. I felt better than I can remember feeling in many, many years Karl. I felt worthwhile I guess you might say. I had always dressed nice and looked good in clothes. (I use to be very vain about my looks because I knew I looked good.)I use to be full of laughter and joy. Use to. Haven't in a long time. I had resolved myself to the no life I was living .When Tom informed me last month that he would no longer pay anything; I was left with just one choice. As much as I want to live and have a happy life, I cannot that at the expense of my animals. I have never in my life had anyone other than myself that I could depend on. Never. My animals will always be able to depend on me. Regardless of the cost. The choice I have made is not a plea for help. I called all of my sisters yesterday and explained to them what I was going to do. I'm very blunt Karl and my sisters know that. I don't mince words and speak plainly. Didn't want anyone popping up later saying they didn't know. None are in a position to help me or they would. I just needed them to know that I loved them and they should feel no guilt over my actions .Last winter , I finally got the 5 burner gas stove I've wanted for 30 years now . I use to love to cook and have cookouts. Wives of drunks seldom have company unless food and booze are offered. (It passed for a life)Now I will be putting that like new gas range to work. It puts out a lot of gas. I do not care for the word suicide. It implies that no thought has gone into the act itself. People also assume that you were not in your right mind when you did it. Not that it will matter, but I resent that. I'm a very intelligent woman and have given this a great deal of thought. I have desperately looked for an alternative. My oldest sister, in Athens, Ale, has said I could move up there to be closer to her. She is 70 and dying from breast cancer. Her SO is also in very poor physical condition. I could not live with them with my 6 animals but could probably rent a cheap trailer not far from them .It would be impossible to take all of the nice things I've collected over the years. (I compensated my lack of a relationship with shopping ...cheap shopping because I TEND TO BE A LITTLE CHEAP I GUESS ...I LIKE A BARGIN ok?) Sorry, font's messing up again .I couldn't afford to take everything anyway. The thought of packing what I can keep and take, combined with transporting 4 cat's and 2 large dog's in my truck, for a trip that will take at least 3 days, is daunting to say the least . It kind of makes the gas solution look good. (Yes, I plan on having all of my animals inside with me when the gas goes on. They would be impossible to place and would be euthanized so it would be better if they went with someone who at least loved them very much.) If it were not for my animals Karl, I would not be choosing this course of action. Believe me. I've fought so hard to get where I am. And where am I? I'm 64 and tired of fighting. It has done me no good so far. I truly can see no future for me. We all have choices. Under the circumstances, I see no other choice for me. I will not let my animals down and I will never desert them. I know what that is like and won't do it to them. You've read it and now have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with currently .I do not require nor do I look for pity. The choices I made put me where I am. I have always earned my own way and will except nothing from anyone. These are my problems and only I should deal with them. There is much more to the situation than I have shared with you. It is of no matter. Shit happens. I just know that I cannot live under the daily stress of not knowing if my truck will be in the driveway when I get up in the mornings and worrying about a foreclosure notice. That is the stress that has torn me down so completely. I just can't do it anymore. I have been a good woman but it has done me no good. I don't cheat, lie or steal. I was faithful because I gave my word. I have lived without love or attention for almost 20 years now. I allowed him to take my life. I have nothing now and no reason to go on. I will NOT be put on the street with my animals. I much prefer death. No drama here. Just the facts. Now, do you understand why I suggested you find a nice woman with no baggage? Karl , for the hell of it and because I never tell anyone, I have an IQ of 143 . What good has it done me ? I was always looking for the love I never had so never got a chance to be anything myself . Now my life has been completely wasted . Do not pity me . My choices are mine to make.Uh , hope your day goes well.. It will be OK Karl . Shit happens
